Monday, September 20, 2010

So This Is What They Mean By Mid Life Crisis?

I guess I’ve gotten around to having my mid-life crisis recently.

Fortunately, my personal crisis will not involve abandoning my family or buying an expensive sports car or a motorcycle. [Although I do recently have a strange longing for one of those awesome new Mustangs… ;) ].

But I’ve been very contemplative lately. I’ve sort of come through all the crisis surrounding the divorce and things have stabilized [as much as they ever do anyway]. And lately I’ve found myself pondering many things – like where I am in life and how different it is from where I thought I’d be.

If someone had told me 20 years ago that I would be the single mother of 6 children in 20 years, I would have laughed, hysterically.

At the age of 21, I was a “Feminist”. I had no plans [nor desire] to marry. I definitely did not want children. I planned to be a single, childless career woman academic.

And here I am, weeks before my 41st birthday, and I am everything I never planned to be. My head spins at the sheer irony of it all!

In many ways, I turned out to be the “Poster Child” for the Feminist movement's admonition that a woman should NEVER count on a man. That she should put herself and her career first. That she should not give her "all" to a man and children. That it will go badly if she does. That men abandon wives and children all the time, and that a woman who has not paid close attention to her career [instead of investing her time in raising children and caring for her husband] will be left with children she can’t support.

And you know what? The Feminists were kind of right. [Yeah, it chaps my hide to admit that. LOL!]

But I wouldn’t change a thing – because had I followed the advice of the Feminists, I would have missed out on all of the best things in my life.

True, I would not be living in poverty with 6 children. I would not be 40 years old and abandoned by the man I gave up everything to love and care for.

But I would have missed out on my children. Without a doubt, my children have been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Watching them grow and develop their own little personalities and shaping them into truly excellent people who will make this world a better place… well, it has been a privilege. And a joy.

And I would not be the person I am today had I stuck to my original path – I am a better human being for the things I have suffered. I am kinder, more humble, more giving, more understanding, more loving, and more gentle than I ever would have been if I had followed my original plan. I am less judgmental and more self sacrificing. I am wiser and a harder worker.

My character has been formed by the pain I have lived through, and I think it is a good thing. I think it benefits the world around me, and certainly the people who know me.

Looking back… I can’t say I would change any of my choices.

I look forward to the second half of my life – with a little fear [after all, God or Karma or whatever you believe in hasn’t exactly been gentle with me]; but also with great anticipation and expectation as well.

And I know I am up to the challenge of whatever comes my way – I lived through this first 40 years. And it wasn’t easy. I am one of the strongest people I know. And while I don’t have faith that things are going to necessarily get better [though I certainly hope so], I DO have faith that I am strong enough to take on whatever does come my way.

But I AM still eyeing that mustang... LOL!

1 comment:

  1. God bless you for your faith, your strength and your cherishing of those 6 beautiful gifts from Heaven! I haven't yet read about a saint who had an easy life on earth, that's for sure. Much love to you! :-)