Sunday, September 13, 2009

Life on Mars

I'm seriously considering changing the name of my blog to "Life on Mars" because that's really so much more descriptive of my life these days.

I am torn a lot about my blog. I have made a real effort over the past almost 3 years of blogging to be "real". To be honest and genuine. I've taken criticism at times for how honest I am on my blog, but that's OK. I have been contacted over the years by a lot of different women who have found support in reading my blog - women dealing with mental or physical illness in a partner, women dealing with a partner who abandons them and then wants to reconcile, women who are so relieved to hear from a homeschooling mother who is up front about having a messy home and feeling overwhelmed at times, women dealing with PIH and Pre-Eclampsia and looking for support - all of these women have found my blog and have found something here that made them feel less alone. That made them feel less like a freak. That made them feel a part of the human family - they felt supported.

That is important to me. I want to support others who may be going through things I've already survived [or am surviving]. I want to be a voice out in blog land saying "Hey, it isn't all Shiney Happy out there, but man is it still GOOD!". Because at the end of the day, that's my life - sometimes my life just plain sucks. It really does. But as a general rule, Life is Good and God is Gracious and nothing is going to hold me back from becoming who He wants me to be. I want to share that spirit and that recognition - that witness of God's love if you will - with the world.

But now I'm in such a weird place - because I am, quite literally, an Alien in almost every single social situation.

I was already a Freak - I have 6 kids. I am a Christian that actually believes all that stuff in the Bible. I was a Homeschooler. I'm a little bit of a Hippy with definite Granola leanings. I'm a bit of an environmentalist. I'm an avid organic gardener and a chicken lady. I mean, I already had a lot of "weirdo" points stocked up before this all happened.

And now I am a "Devout Christian Divorced Mother of Six Children".

I don't fit in *anywhere*.

I don't fit in at Church. The people at Church are *polite*, but that's as far as they are gonna take it - my whole situation seems like such a mess that I think it quite genuinely just scares people off - nobody wants to deal with it. [Heck, *I* don't want to deal with it]. It really isn't anyone's fault, it is just the reality of where I am.

I don't fit in to the secular world, because I do have these crazy ideas about God being real and loving and all of this.

I don't fit in with Single Moms, because, so far, nobody I've met who is single has 6 kids. Or anything even close. Every single mom I've met looks at me and thinks "Geez, at least I'm not THAT lady" and they pity me. Which really stinks. I don't want to be pitied - I treasure my children and I feel completely blessed to have them.

I don't fit in with the married moms either. I think in some subtle way I am a reminder that their worlds could come crashing down too - not likely, fortunately, but possible. I feel like I bring a sense of vague unease to women every where I go. Because if I could end up like this [as committed to making it work as I was], then maybe anyone could end up like this.

I don't fit in with the feminists. I am the *poster child* for their campaign to get women to leave children in day care and *Work*Work*Work* because you can't ever depend on any man to take care of you. While they may be right about that "you can't depend on a man to take care of you" thing, I do NOT regret leaving the work force to raise my children - I think my children benefited in myriad ways and they will reap the rewards of that for their entire lives. TOTALLY Worth It as far as I'm concerned.

I learned tonight that I don't fit in at the Divorce Support Group either. Only one other person there even had kids and that person only had one older school aged child. They were all looking at me like I had 3 heads. They were all nice, but not eager to make friends, lets just say. [Again that overwhelming feeling of people thinking "Well, my life sucks, but at least I'm not THAT lady!" . ugh.]

So, here I am, living on Mars and looking around at all the Earthlings - not knowing what really to do with myself. I feel completely alienated from every other living human being - I feel like I have a big Scarlet "A" on my head, only it stands for "Alien" not "Adultery".

And I'm torn over how much to share here.... in the past I've always felt I would be helping others by sharing how I dealt with my struggles and by sharing my joys, but in this case - who am I going to help? I don't think there ARE any other "Devout Christian Divorced Mothers of Six Children" out there - and if there are, the odds of them happening upon my blog are pretty slim I'd wager.

So, Geez. What do I do? Do I share what is "real" even though it is really raw right now? Do I turn the blog into a "Shiny Happy Blog" [GAG] and pretend everything is all nicey-nice here in Wonderland? Do I shut the whole blog down and let it go?

I don't know.


  1. You know? I'm thinking if you're open to it, it's time your blog helped you. Put it out there and be a taker for awhile. I'm sure I speak for most of your readers in that we're here to listen. Period. You're not a freak; you may *feel* like one, but you're not a freak. I can't imagine how hard this is for you and the monkeys. Based on what I've read over the past couple years, though, I think you and your littles are really going to shine now that you have nothing to hold you back. Just hold on. Love to you, Kelly.

  2. Well, I'm a divorced Mormon Mom (although remarried now) of 4 kiddos. Is that close?:) I found you on the Pre-eclampsia board and followed you here. I have felt the same way at times and wonder where I fit in. My new hubby and I have added a baby to the mix, so the three older children along with a baby kind of complicates the situation (although I wouldn't change it for the world). Do I hang out with the "older" moms" because we have teenagers, or the "young" moms, because we have babies, or the divorced moms, although I am remarried now, so that doesn't seem to work either. I think you'll find that most people don't find a perfect fit. You know what? That's okay. I have something to offer each group and there is something to be gained from each group. One of my dearest friends is a 73 year-old grandmother. We have nothing in common, but we love each other's company.
    Hang in there. It sounds like you've had a heck of a year. Soon you'll find your place and if you can't find it, then create it. It is only a matter of time before those around you realize what a wonderful person you are and all the talents and gifts you have to offer.
    As far as your blog is concerned, even though you and I are not in the exact same stage of life, I enjoy your spirit, your perseverance and your pick-yourself-back-up attitude. You would be missed.

  3. I don't think you should stop writing. I don't think you're a freak, and if you were close we would be friends no matter. You're also not alone (even though it seems that way) My aunt was a divorced mom of 5 (so one less than you) when her youngest was 4 (or maybe 3) and it was very difficult for her as well. (and NOT her choice, either) She is the most conservative Catholic of her siblings (5 in all) and became very involved in the pro-life movement during her divorce. (which caused all kinds of issues between her & her siblings who thought she was being an irresponsible mother to risk arrest - a strong likelihood at that time in that area and it was by the Hand of God that she wasn't, as many others were) ANYWAY, 18 years later, she's doing okay. She never remarried, and has never even dated. Her children are all grown and doing well. She recently sold the house she had when they were all growing up and lives in a nice apartment that she shares with her oldest. 2 of her kids have kids of their own, and she enjoys being a Grandma. Her faith is still strong. My point is -- there ARE others out there like you and by writing your blog you will reach them and let them know they aren't alone. I know she felt ALONE for so long. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I do pray that you find at least one, good friend that is close by.

  4. Thanks guys for the kind comments - I feel better today and I appreciate you helping me get back to a "positive" mind set. Melanie, I'd love to talk to your aunt - is she still sane? That's what I want to know... LOL!

  5. The hardest part of moving for me was leaving the friends I'd made, knowing that it took me almost 10 years! to make them all and that I was going to have to start over. And being a homeschool SAHM meant I was by myself with the kids most of the time. It's gonna take me another 10 years! to get to the same point I was before I moved, but I have to take it a step at a time.

    It's taken two years for me to get to a good place socially, and just recently I've noticed it getting ready to take off with a whole new batch of homeschoolers joining the little group I've been with. It takes time. No one can become part of a group after only one meeting. You have to get to know them and they have to get to know you. And they won't get beyond "divorced with 6 kids" if you don't let them. And, once again, it takes time.

    Focus on getting yourself well mentally, focus on your kids - get THEM involved in things - and you'll find that you get involved, too.

    And offer it up in solidarity with Christ's suffering. He knows how you feel and wants to use this to bring you closer to Him. Let Him fill the void. I find that when I feel I'm searching for something, I've usually lost sight of Christ and just need to relocate Him.

    And, as always, our prayers are with you. BTW, thanks for the b-day present for Jonathan. You shouldn't have - and I mean it.