Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Power of Forgiveness

On May 17, 2 days after I attended my best friend's funeral, I came to a very clear and startling revelation.

I realized that God was calling me to forgive my Ex husband. To forgive him, to stop hating him, to stop being so angry with him.

At the time, it seemed impossible. I whined at God "How can you ask me to do this Lord? This is impossible! My children and I have been wronged so completely, how can I forgive this? My Ex husband doesn't even feel bad about what he has done - he is not repentant. How can I forgive him? Please God, Please - ask anything besides this!"

And God said to me, quite clearly, "Kelly, until you forgive him and let go of your anger, you will never be free to be who I want you to be. You will never be able to become who I am calling you to become. Let it go. Trust in me."

And that night I said "OK God. I don't want to forgive him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. But you are asking me to do this and I am saying to you that I want to do what you ask of me. I am saying Yes to You. But God, I don't know how to do this. I don't see how I can forgive him - I don't even know how to begin!"

And God said "That is enough - you are saying Yes to My Will and I will do the rest."

And I trusted God. [and thought to myself "Yeah, well, I love you God and I trust You, but good luck fixing my broken and hate filled heart."]

And God took that pathetic "yes" and He worked His miracles.

Somehow in the last 8 weeks, I have forgiven my husband. FORGIVEN HIM. I can't even believe it. My anger is gone. My hate is gone. The constant litany of rage at him in the back of my mind for what my children and I endure every day because of him [living in poverty, nightmares, extreme grief in the children, etc] has ended.

I don't know how God did it, but He did it. I am even able to pray for my Ex husband now. For the longest time I could not pray for him - I could not pray for him at all. I couldn't sincerely face my Lord and wish anything good for my Ex husband.

And now I can.

Now, my Ex did not make this easy. [Nothing comes easy in my life, does it?] He pulled some amazingly horrible things during this time period.

And I dealt with it all - without hate. Without rancor. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to protect my children - and I WILL protect them, always. But I have no spite for him.

I am still constantly picking up pieces - the things he has shattered and left broken in his wake. I am still constantly holding my children's broken hearts in my hand and trying to heal them. I am still under the gun 24/7 trying to keep our heads above water. But I am doing it without the hate.

It is what it is and I can only control my response to the situation. Finally I know this.

And God has taken me to a deeper place spiritually than I have ever been.

Forgiveness has set me free.

My children and I are walking a knife's edge of poverty right now - our situation seems impossible at the moment. Several things have happened [in addition to my Ex husband's lack of responsibility] which have made our situation very precarious.

Normally, I would be out of my mind with worry and fear at this point - because with my human mind, I can see no way through this.

But I have finally learned a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for so very long - HE will take care of us. He will lead us through this safely - and out the other side - as He has always done.

And I know this.

And I finally have Peace.


  1. I still cannot believe how similar are lives are; the abandonment, the poverty, the contempt issues, the lying (oh, the lies), and the need to do what it takes to protect the children, and then the realization that God will provide. I hope to meet you in person some day, there is so much to talk about that a computer makes difficult.

  2. I'm glad you were blessed with the gift of forgiveness, and peace.

    I'm sorry you and the children are going through such tough times. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    A family that I know who went through some really tough times really spoke highly of this program, they were able to get boxes of food for a reduced price through them (and as one of their kids said, it wasn't "scary food it was grocery story food"