The Power of Forgiveness

On May 17, 2 days after I attended my best friend's funeral, I came to a very clear and startling revelation.

I realized that God was calling me to forgive my Ex husband. To forgive him, to stop hating him, to stop being so angry with him.

At the time, it seemed impossible. I whined at God "How can you ask me to do this Lord? This is impossible! My children and I have been wronged so completely, how can I forgive this? My Ex husband doesn't even feel bad about what he has done - he is not repentant. How can I forgive him? Please God, Please - ask anything besides this!"

And God said to me, quite clearly, "Kelly, until you forgive him and let go of your anger, you will never be free to be who I want you to be. You will never be able to become who I am calling you to become. Let it go. Trust in me."

And that night I said "OK God. I don't want to forgive him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. But you are asking me to do this and I am saying to you that I want to do what you ask of me. I am saying Yes to You. But God, I don't know how to do this. I don't see how I can forgive him - I don't even know how to begin!"

And God said "That is enough - you are saying Yes to My Will and I will do the rest."

And I trusted God. [and thought to myself "Yeah, well, I love you God and I trust You, but good luck fixing my broken and hate filled heart."]

And God took that pathetic "yes" and He worked His miracles.

Somehow in the last 8 weeks, I have forgiven my husband. FORGIVEN HIM. I can't even believe it. My anger is gone. My hate is gone. The constant litany of rage at him in the back of my mind for what my children and I endure every day because of him [living in poverty, nightmares, extreme grief in the children, etc] has ended.

I don't know how God did it, but He did it. I am even able to pray for my Ex husband now. For the longest time I could not pray for him - I could not pray for him at all. I couldn't sincerely face my Lord and wish anything good for my Ex husband.

And now I can.

Now, my Ex did not make this easy. [Nothing comes easy in my life, does it?] He pulled some amazingly horrible things during this time period.

And I dealt with it all - without hate. Without rancor. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to protect my children - and I WILL protect them, always. But I have no spite for him.

I am still constantly picking up pieces - the things he has shattered and left broken in his wake. I am still constantly holding my children's broken hearts in my hand and trying to heal them. I am still under the gun 24/7 trying to keep our heads above water. But I am doing it without the hate.

It is what it is and I can only control my response to the situation. Finally I know this.

And God has taken me to a deeper place spiritually than I have ever been.

Forgiveness has set me free.

My children and I are walking a knife's edge of poverty right now - our situation seems impossible at the moment. Several things have happened [in addition to my Ex husband's lack of responsibility] which have made our situation very precarious.

Normally, I would be out of my mind with worry and fear at this point - because with my human mind, I can see no way through this.

But I have finally learned a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for so very long - HE will take care of us. He will lead us through this safely - and out the other side - as He has always done.

And I know this.

And I finally have Peace.

Quote of the Day:

Monkey1, 11yo, says: "I wonder if the Death Star has good Buffalo Wings?"

[This was part of her monologue on why having Darth Vader for a father wouldn't be such a terrible thing... ]

Quote of the Day:

At the grocery store today when certain children were misbehaving:

Monkey1 [11yo] said: "Mommy's getting ready to stamp some of y'all 'Return To Sender'."

Monkey3 [7yo] asked "What's that mean?"

Monkey1 said: "You know how God sends babies? Well, mom's about to send you back to God."

LOL!

Quote of the Day:

My 3yo walked up to me and asked "Mommy, why do we live in a house that has cockroaches?".

I fumbled around trying to figure out how to answer [how do I condense that down into a 3yo sized explanation?].

My 11yo pipes up: "Because the cockroaches couldn't afford a better place to live either!"

ROFL!

[Just for the record - the cockroaches are much better these days, after all that quality time my exterminator puts in]

Small Sacrifices

It was something like 98 degrees today with humidity through the roof.

My ancient van is having AC issues - one vent in the back [with the kids] is only working sometimes. So, today, we only had one AC vent in the back. It was probably 110 degrees inside the van when we first got started.

My 7 year old was sitting back there with her 5 year old sister and I hear them having a conversation.

The vent by the 5yo was not working and the 5yo was crying because she was hot and had no AC.

So my sweet, precious 7yo says "That's OK. Look, I'll turn my vent so it hits you."

And that's exactly what she did. She sweltered so her little sister could be cool.

That seems like a silly thing for me to proud of I guess, but man - THAT is love.

And THAT is exactly why I do what I do. If I can raise children that love others more than they love themselves - I've accomplished exactly what I wanted and nothing else matters. [Well, other than that they love God too of course!]

Kids like that can change the world.

My kids ROCK! ;)

Quote of the Day:

Gabriel, 8yo son, says to me:

"Mom, note to self: boys at Football Camp really like to burp." [Yeah... and I paid money for this! LOL!]

Gabriel's First Holy Communion

My son [Monkey2] had his First Holy Communion this week. We did it at a daily Mass on Wed June 9, 2010. Gabriel missed the FHC for the whole church [we were sick and I'd just had surgery], so Father made an exception and let him receive it at daily Mass.

It was a wonderful event! Gabriel was so excited - he had spent weeks preparing [well, years actually!] and was able to answer all of his Catechism questions.

Gabriel's God Father took him on a retreat the day before and they visited 5 different Churches and prayed and said the Rosary. Gabriel was required to answer "100 questions" about the Faith, which he managed to do. It was really meaningful.

Wed night we got to Church at 5pm and Father did Gabriel's First Confession. It went very well. When Gabriel got out he said he felt "so clean" and he was really excited.

Here is a pic of Gabe saying his first Penance:


Then Gabriel changed into his Tux for Mass. He looked awesome!


Here is Gabriel with Father:


Here are some of my girls with some of Cyndi and Bob's girls before Mass:


Here is Gabriel with his God Father Bob:


Here is Gabriel with his "God Brothers". They went with him on his retreat - it was so awesome!


Gabe and I:


Here are all of my kids before Mass except for Monkey3 - who got chicken pox and had to spend the night with her grandparents! She was really upset to miss his First Holy Communion, but she got to go fishing with Uncle Chuck, so it turned out to be a great night for her too. :)


After Mass, Gabriel's God Father hosted a party at his house for Gabe. This was Gabriel with his cake:



Here is Gabe with some of his friends at his party:

Here is Gabe playing Chess with his God Brother:


God Bless Gabriel! I am so proud of him!!!!